The Aftermath of going One-way

Words that come out of your mouth especially during an argument always follow the One-Way track, embedding into the other persons mind forever. And is that something to be cautious about? Yes! Absolutely yes!

In the process of absorbing a string of words, a lot happens.

  • While one releases his/her anger and built up hatred in that moment, the other lashes out the same
  • While one releases his/her anger and built up hatred in that moment, the other prefers to stay silent only to build his/her dislike towards the former. This eventually bursts some day and the cycle continues.
  • While one releases his/her anger and built up hatred in that moment, the other takes the high road and forgives the former’s action
  • While one releases his/her anger and built up hatred in that moment, a relationship gets destroyed forever as the other decides to cut all ties

When we think about consequences, the aftermath of what we have said and done, we only end up feeling remorse. It may or may not be instant but this feeling will definitely come your way. Instead of landing to this stage in the future, I have started practicing few things recently and accepting the neglected reality.

  • I am a replacement. For example: I am a close friend today and may not be one tomorrow. And this is true as well. My 7+ years friendship went down the drain and someone new replaced me. The only person for whom I will never be a replacement is my mother
  • Think before I speak. This idiom is so old and yet I haven’t mastered this wise saying. Nevertheless, I have started thinking a couple of times before opening my tiny mouth to anyone new after my friendship with this old friend went sour
  • Relay your action and the other person’s reaction. When you start thinking a couple of times, you automatically will land to this point.
  • Not all those who speak well of you actually mean well for you
  • Not all those who smile with you are truly happy for you
  • It’s not ok to put your100% in a friendship. Keep that 1% with you, for you
  • Sometimes people will cling to you because they have no other outlet. Don’t mistake yourself as ‘important’ in their lives
  • Its better not to have expectations than to see them break apart in pieces

From the perspective of one of the ‘latter’s’ mentioned, these pointers have been helping me to think in a much wiser way. Going forward, I might end up sustaining a better friendship with the lessons I have learnt. I became the ‘other’ who broke all ties with this friend and I strongly believe that I might become a better person who has forgiven the former.

Run for the Perfect Relationship

Here’s a question. Why are proposals and the perfect Atmospheric setting an imperative for a successful relationship? Seriously like why? I had gone to meet a group of friends sometime back and one of them is due to marry next year. It was supposed to be a happy occasion with all of us cheering and wishing her, asking her if she needed any kind of help with the wedding arrangements and occasionally teasing her to the point where her cheeks turned red. Instead the topic for discussion was stalled at ‘how did he propose?’ and ‘where did he propose?

Apparently, most of them have this notion that if a guy doesn’t bring the essentials (a ring, a bunch of red roses and may be a necklace) to sync with both great food and music in a romantic place, a relationship is set to be doomed. It doesn’t actually set the path of a long lasting love because the start wasn’t mystical. I wonder if movies are to be blamed for this idiotic thought or ‘us’ because we have simply become more materialistic. What I felt was, I mean, shouldn’t it be important that you are with someone you love, who wants to age with you and deal with everything about you? Shouldn’t it be enough that you know that you are cherished not by zillions but a single person, to whom you are the world? How does it matter what he gave or where he gave? The point is… he has given himself to you and is being honest with you.

Yes it’s nice to be gifted with something and I will not deny it. But that doesn’t have to be extravagant. At the same time, these actually don’t have a real role in making a bond strong. Looking at my friend it appeared that she was thrown under a bus. It felt that now she had to please those around her with her proposal story than being contempt with what truly occurred. As for a success of any relationship, I feel it takes two hands to clap. How each partner contributes to their growth as a couple in terms of love, respect, communication, togetherness (spending time with each other), responsibility, gratitude and support plays a vital role in strengthening them. It’s more realistic and robust, and will definitely take you till the end. I sounded like a spiritual guru (and might be now) and failed to make my point. The ‘have’s’ won over the actual ‘want’s’. Little do we all realise that in the long run, we eventually understand and wish we stuck to the ‘want’s’ of life.

A Combination for a Lesson

Year’s back I had travelled to Thekkady in Kerala for a two-day vacation. The first day went in touring the city and watching the traditional art forms. It was more laid back and interesting at the same time. The second day however was packed with a lot of adventure. We visited the tiger reserve and opted for a full day trek in the forest. We had to travel on rafts to reach the other side of the forest and start our long trek into the wilderness. I was very excited that day. I had just quit my company. This trip was the much-needed break I wanted after all the politics and disappointments at work. Anyway, I was finally happy to be away from the city life lost in the jungle beauty. The tall trees, the rough paths, families of animals and birds watching us from afar and atop, buzzing insects, the clean air, the dirt free land and the uncontaminated water was so refreshing and magical. While admiring the beauty of life on the way, I found a lot of elephant dung. These were not just the normal excreta. It was supporting a new life – tiny white coloured mushrooms (which I presumed to be poisonous). Still, watching them made me happy for some reason. It (the Mushroom ) sort of told me that no matter what your situation in life is, how terrible your surrounding is, or how empty everything is – there will always be a positive thing coming out of it. Good things can come from the shittiest of places so never lose hope.

Mushroom growing on the elephant dung

Words of a Wise Woman

A wise woman reinforced something I had forgotten sometime back – ‘Years of emotional involvement with a person can never be taken as a yes for speaking your heart and mind whenever or wherever you want to that person. It’s impossible to know someone completely. When a mother itself is unaware of all the things or feelings happening to or inside her child, then how do you expect to know everything about a friend? There will always be a curtain behind which stands a shadow of unknown and unsaid feelings. These are dangerous and only pile up over time. It ultimately takes you to a point where you longer want to associate yourself with the other person. So beware. Don’t take anyone for granted. Practice your mind and mouth to adopt a Gingerly approach when you deal with anyone in life no matter how close you are to that person’.

The ‘identity’ in an Indian Movie

“What’s your identity?” He asked

“Everything you own is given by your parents.

You live a carefree life, feeding of the goods not just of your parents and siblings, but also your friends.

You have no shame, no respect, and no aims or goals in life. You are an irresponsible guy who just wants to get through the day and be a useless junk in the society.”

If you have watched a lot of Indian movies, then these questions are not new. I was so tired of watching many films with these repeat dialogues having a few changes. The theme however always remained the same – Your identity!

The ‘Identity’ in movies mostly is either a conversation between a father and son or a father and his daughter’s boyfriend. Sometimes the roles reverse. It’s the girl who gets questioned especially if she is from a poor background. Lets delve. How much of these stories depicted and the words communicated in a scene actually come from a household away from the glitz and glamour of the big screen? I can easily relate to a few instances but I am going to cite only two examples.

At one point in my life, I wanted to become a singer. I learned a bit of piano while growing up and I thought I could also be a Madonna or have my own group like Boney M. I never understood their lyrics as a toddler and would bounce on my feet every time my mom played Rasputin or her songs. During high school, I came close to quitting education to join the list of people in search of a break in the music industry. I cried, I fought, and I cribbed because I thought it’s easy to become a singer. On hearing this, my mother went berserk. The first thing she said in a sarcastic yet controlled tone was:

‘What did you just say…. You want to be a Singer?

Have you gone mad?

Who is teaching you all this?

What will happen to your studies?

Do you know how much pain and sufferings I have endured all these years to give you the best education?’

Now when I look back, I can see the matches. I wonder if she had discussed about me with a scriptwriter or it’s just that there have been and are many ‘ME’s. The ‘What’s that day still resonate in my brown ears. The bottom line is, I was given the taste of reality. I had to make an Identity for myself, which meant gaining knowledge by finishing school, graduating from college and then may be pursuing a master’s degree or getting a job. I just did all of it.

Now lets read the following lines and see if it rings a bell:

“They will never understand our love.

My parents are the worst. I thought they loved me but they care only about their status.

Take me away from them and lets get married.”

It was my second semester. My college principal was in charge of conducting Hindi classes for all the 2nd year students. One day she walked in with a mixed look of anger and disappointment, and narrated the reason behind it. A female student had gone missing for ten days. She was finally found – alive, healthy and married. She had eloped from home to be with her boyfriend of few months. In the days prior to her run, she informed her friends that her family was aware of this newfound relationship. Being the typical Indian parents, they were against it. They argued about how unsuitable he was, and that he seemed like a liar interested in gaining some financial aid from her family. When they questioned her about his background, she was left speechless. She only knew three things:

  • He couldn’t live without her.
  • He was unconditionally in love with her.
  • He was a wealthy guy who would often come to pick her from college in different cars. This meant that he was self-sufficient.

Running away seemed the only option to live peacefully with the love of her life. I started replaying a similar scene from an old movie and thought may be the writers had interviewed her folks but this was recent. In this girl’s case, she fell for a mechanic working at a garage who would drive a new vehicle every day. Blinded in love, she trashed her memories and trust of her parents to start a new life only to be cheated later. Questioning her actions now sounds easy but I felt what would have happened if she had completed her studies and then talked about marriage. She would have secured herself not just in terms of acquiring knowledge or a degree, but a better understanding of people and relationships.

My take after scrolling through a number of such instances on a common dialogue (between lovers, friends or family) or a part (like someone eloping, or giving up on life, or chasing their dreams and so on) has evolved. In my opinion, much of these are inspired from our very lives. It could have been motivated by someone’s past or present, and perhaps it is a way to inform and prepare people of such scenarios the easiest way.

The ‘What’s’ of an Immature Adult

It has been a while since I exited the city to seek shelter in the arms of nature to rejuvenate myself. This topic would often exhibit my whining ability to my friends and family. There is always an unavoidable circumstance so the cribbing is constant. Many a times, I have often been tagged to posts such as ‘holiday destinations’, ‘places to visit in this monsoon’, and ‘101 places to see before you die’. As a good reader despite knowing the consequences of clicking the link, I enter the page, read through the contents, absorb the key pointers, go awestruck by watching some of the fabulous images and finally get excited to plan a vacation. Anyway, after a brief period which comprises of talking and chatting online for a few hours, I mellow down to dismay in the four corners of my home and the Cacophony of urban life.

Despite the blues, I have been to a couple of religious trips. From travelling to some of the iconic temples in Tamil Nadu to the historic temples in Karnataka, I have remained spiritually sane and connected to my religious roots. It has been enlightening but I still have the urge to spend a few days for myself, with myself or with someone likeminded in an organic place. But the question I ask myself is ‘what am I going to do there?’

  • Am I looking for a physical activity like trekking, river rafting, para gliding or so?
  • Am I looking for a mental activity like meditating in an ashram?
  • Am I looking at discovering something like Po finding inner peace?
  • Am I looking forward to a day where I could lay on the grass in a forest listening to the mumbles of its dwellers?
  • Am I looking forward to spend a few hours at a spa like my many friends?
  • Am I hoping to capture some spectacular images for myself or for the world?
  • Am I, Am I Am I… Ah, the questions!
  • Finally, will a few days trip continue to charge me for the remaining days of my normal life?

Interestingly, I read a post today by another blogger on her experience as a traveller. She shared an insightful thought on ‘how you should not get deceived by the amazing travelling images of people on FB/Instagram because every ‘wow’ picture has a story’. This story could be of a person slogging for hours at work, juggling between their personal and professional commitments and maintaining a mental balance to remain motivated. It carries many tears of loneliness and desperation for a change so everything that glitters is not really gold.

The need to go out mostly comes from people’s stories – some genuine but most of them superficial. I, for example, a lot of times get jealous over others showcasing their glammed life and their conquered travel plans every time a picture is up and when a trajectory suddenly displays who is travelling where and with whom online. Everything looks incredible but it lacks a story. I am unsure if the experience revived them but I do know that travelling should be a fun experience. Given that, travelling should also be educational and instrumental in grafting your life and inspiring someone else.

Reverting to my final question: ‘Will a few days trip continue to charge me for the remaining days of my normal life?’ if I were to go on one – well, it’s a no. The trip will always be a memory. I might learn something new over the stay like a tradition, a culture, the people, a cuisine, and the history behind the place in general or a monument but honestly that isn’t going to keep me refreshed throughout when I am back. I might look forward to a new experience in the coming months but that isn’t going to keep me positively inclined daily either. So how do I encourage myself? Should I:

  • Write a post daily to improve my writing
  • Read others posts to educate myself
  • Enroll in a yoga class to keep myself flexible and physically fit
  • Cook a new dish, perhaps a healthy one
  • Register for a piano lesson and get certified
  • Head to the local botanical park and study the animals and birds there
  • Improve my photography which could include wildlife, landscape, motion, or portrait
  • Join an organization which matches my interests to help those in need like old aged citizens, challenged kids, animals or nature
  • Share awareness on health and women safety

I could do few of these or everything. Just like how the sky is limitless, there are numerous ways to feel energised. We just have to find the ‘What’, the ‘Who’ and the ‘How’!

Lessons from Ma – The Flower!

I don’t understand people, I just don’t. The minute I realise their thoughts don’t sync with mine, no matter how good they think of me, or how good they are to me, I eventually tend to stray away. It becomes difficult to hold on to a relationship be it with a friend, a colleague or a relative in the long run. May be it’s a serial problem with me and no matter how many times I have attempted to resolve this negative behaviour, its always there.

It’s been a few weeks now since an incident (nothing serious) with someone in my close circuit and I have been feeling betrayed, disappointed and drifted. Now you might ask or think if something less severe can actually seed such a response. Well, yes! In my case, the process of bonding with someone is slow. I was hurt here and this led to a series of small things that built into a mass of unwanted questions like:

  • Why did they say this?
  • Why did they do this?
  • Why did they use such words or a particular word?
  • How can they think about me like this?
  • Am I at fault?
  • Have they been pretending to like me all along?
  • Can I pretend to be fine with them?
  • Can I put this past me and look forward to a cordial relationship?

Ever since that day, a lot of things like what they have said or done makes me question their behaviour on the whole. Though it immediately triggers a feeling of disconnection, it hasn’t come to the point where I would cut off all ties which I can’t but I am somewhere in between. To seek help on my attitude, I went to my teacher, my mom.

Mothers are the best gift any child can get. They guide you when you are lost, scold you when you are wrong and track you back on the righteous path. And my mother was no different. She held my hand, walked me to our balcony, showed me a flower and asked – ‘What do you think of flowers?’ After a standard response, her next question was ‘Do you think they expect anything in life?’ They bloom at the wake of sunrise, share their radiance through their colour, spread their positivity through their smell, smile brilliantly throughout the day and slowly fade away by night. They carry a lot of qualities lacking in humans and what every human desires deep below their superficial layer.

Love      Happiness      Positivity

Strength         Inspiration     Calmness        Duty    Forgiveness

Gracefulness    Purity     Humbleness

You can either be a regular human living a disheartened life worrying about what others say, analysing their behaviour towards you and thinking of avoiding or removing people from your life, or you can be a flower which doesn’t Expect anything from anyone, teaching you life’s much needed qualities to become a better human. It’s your choice!